Buy Your Own Gift
Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.
In each card he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early.
He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.
A Letter To Santa From Mom
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws' house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat chocolate ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch a cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always...Mom.
P.S. - One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.
What To Give An Optimist And A Pessimist (definition on bottom)
-- Funny Christmas Stories --
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, at Christmas time their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
*op·ti·mist (opt-eh-mst)n. 1. One who usually expects a favorable outcome.
Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus
1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
4. Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you laughed...like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work. 13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day (FOR FREE!).
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
-- Funny Christmas Jokes --
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
-- Funny Christmas Jokes --
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
-- Funny Christmas Jokes --
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!
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Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else!
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We had grandma for Christmas dinner?
Really, we had turkey!
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How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet!
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What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!
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Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
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Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
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Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
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Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
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Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
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What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
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What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause!
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What do you call people who are scared of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
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What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint "Nickel"-less!
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What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas? A rebel without a Claus!
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What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer? A UF ho, ho, ho
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What do you get if you cross Santa with a gardener? Someone who likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
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And what goes oh! oh! oh?
Father Christmas walking backwards.
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What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!
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What's red & white and red & white and red & white? Santa rolling down a hill!
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Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel
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I'm so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.
Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?
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What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers !
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How do snowmen travel around? By iceicle!
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How do snowmen greet each other?
Ice to meet you!
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What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle
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What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?
Brrrrrr-itos!
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Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to holow out it's head first
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Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
A: Santa Clues!
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”I don't care who you are, fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!”
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Sherlock's favorite Christmas song:
"I'll be Holmes for Christmas"
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How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
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What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"? A mistle-"toad"!
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What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
"'Tis the season to be jelly!"
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Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
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What kind of money do they use at the North Pole? Cold cash!
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I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year. That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!
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Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!
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CHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened!
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What kind of music do elves like best?
"Wrap" music!
